112 days… the number of days Brian lived after being diagnosed. 122 days… the number of days I have lived since his death. Yesterday, Jordan and I left the house and unplugged from technology for most of the day, and drove to the mountains. We followed the winding road to Golden Gate Canyon and found a spot with a great view. We hiked down a trail, over rocks and branches, through the pine trees. Jordan spotted a grouping of rocks off the trail, so we broke away and found what we thought would be the perfect place to scatter part of Brian’s ashes. I’ve said that Brian probably would have found a much more precarious spot, one that would have taken a greater degree of stamina, courage, and agility to reach, but Jordan and I did a pretty good job. I think Brian would be happy. Twenty years ago Brian and I had honeymooned by camping nearby and we’d hiked many of the trails, including the one Jordan and I took yesterday. Now Brian will be part of Colorado forever.
I had anticipated it being a very emotional day. It was, but not in the sense of tears and sadness. It was a happy day, one to remember great memories of mountain hikes and picnics and two little boys who enjoyed our trips in the Rockies. Jordan and I even had a few laughs, which can happen when you are attempting to be more serious than you should. On the way back up the trail to the car, we passed a family and a little boy was bringing up the rear, with his hiking stick in his hand. I told Jordan how he and Brian Jr. would always find a stick right away when we went hiking, but they spent more time hitting trees and rocks with their sticks than using them for hiking! And those sticks would come home with us, along with rocks and pine cones and other forest treasures. Jordan and I continued our drive and ended up at a shop that sells rocks and fossils and things like that. I bought myself a rock the color of the ocean and a couple gifts for the boys. I love my rock – a piece of the earth that is the color of the sea that I miss so much. The drive home was peaceful, Jordan asleep in the passenger seat as I drove back down the winding mountain roads.
When I got home I found a box on my desk. It was from my parents and contained sand from Sanibel Island. I was able to put my toes in my perfect Florida sand on a chilly Colorado day. It was a nice and fitting end to my day.
There is so much that equals joy about yesterday and today and life in general. But I think I’ll go back to where I started and leave it at this:
Going Full Circle = Joy